Last night M asked if I had a moment to chat when we were both at The House. I was surprised he requested my time, my opinion, but of course thrilled at the prospect of some oneonone time. I am almost upset because this one conversation made me feel for him 10x more (which at this time is NOT the goal. I'm trying to wean myself off him. apparently unsuccessfully.) When we're alone he becomes someone I respect more than perhaps anyone else in my life. That's not true. More than any of my peers. More than any man of my generation. He's sweet. Honest. Humble. Thoughtful. I don't know what else I could want. And that's the problem.
UNO: He is incredibly passionate about The House. I knew he was but had never heard him talk about it like that. It was kinda inspiring,(#tryingnottosoundlameandmakingitworsebyu singahashtag).
DOS: I confronted him about the comments he's been making since his promotion that sound so not like him. He was very concerned, listened to the issues, and, of course, asked for specific examples. I tried to express some and he step by step analyzed the situation and explained his mistakes or my misconception. He seemed hurt that I may think badly of him, but it was good for us, I think, to talk about it.
TRES: THE GF WORD WAS SAID. I was expressing how I thought he was a totally different person when we were alone as opposed to in a crowd. He said it was true, he's really good one-on-one but in a group he's kind of an asshole (his words not mine). Then he said something weird. He said that's probably why he can't get a girlfriend. WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS. to which I replied, that I didn't think he had a problem with that and he just crytpically said, "we'll see". I assume he was referring to Ma, the girl he likes that C told me about. Who I'm very strangely not jealous of. (Shouldn't I be?) But the reason why this part of the conversation was important, and the reason why I included it here is HE HAS NO IDEA. HE LITERALLY DOES NOT KNOW HOW I FEEL. AT ALL. I FEEL SO INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS AND HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW. right?
QUATRO: He asked who I wanted for SuperLeaderMan. And I wanted to say, "well my opinion may be biased by my incredibly enormous/super obvious crush on you." And I kinda wish I had, I feel like it was a missed opportunity. But I honestly do want him for it. I think he will offer change to The House and I think he is more dedicated. I asked why he wanted to know and he said it was because he respected my opinion, a lot. And I felt all tingly. I'm such a middle schooler.
So that was our convo at the picnic table. Back to square one. HOW CAN HE NOT KNOW AND HOW DO I LET HIM KNOW?
On an entirely different note, JC texted me last night that M will be my field trainer from now on. Funny how that happened right after the committee meeting. I'm actually really hurt, I thought we were okay. I should have expected this from him.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
That Time We Didn't Fall Off The Roof
Its the last day of Thanksgiving weekend. Though I am usually with the crowd shouting of all I'm thankful for and encouraging others to do the same, this year I felt less optimistic. Some see the holiday as an excuse to get with family, but why do you need an excuse to get with family? If we really wanted to spend time together don't you think we would? I'm not saying I don't love my family-believe me I do, but why is it so hard for us to stop what we're doing, our incredibly demanding lives, to spend time together? And if you need an excuse to do something, is it really something you want to do in the first place? It was "nice" to spend time with Aunt K, Uncle J, W and of course, Grandma, but why does it feel like a chore? I am so thankful for everyone of value in my life, for everyone who makes me want to be a better person. I'm thankful for my job(s), for my friends, for my home, for school, for the capacity to love. (did I go too far there?)
I spent the weekend in my family's home. I haven't spent uninterrupted (as in more then a few hours) there since the summer, and before then I lived in an adjacent apartment so I haven't truly stayed with them in quite some time. I felt strange, out of place. I didn't know you couldn't put red cups in the bottom of the dishwasher because they melt. I was surprised at the new faucet my dad installed in the tub. I was slightly horrified at the condition (which I used to have not qualms with) and noticed that it seems my parents have aged exponentially in the recent months. Money problems will do that to you, they say. However, as someone who works without ceasing, it is hard for me to understand if money is their trouble why they aren't taking steps to alleviate it by engaging in activities that produce revenue. Am I too harsh? On the positive side, I have not been as relaxed as I was this weekend in perhaps months. I didn't check email, I sleep in, I didn't text, it was heaven. A and C were particularly sweet and I already miss seeing them. I guess we need breaks to gain a better perspective.
G texted me last night to inform me that he is no longer in his relationship and that if I pulled away from him (as we both know I now will) he will kill me. The sad thing is I already feel it. I think of seeing him and I'm like eh, better not. Is this a result of The Happening? And if it is, do I have any power over stopping it? He questioned why I would pull from him if I haven't from M (as M is single). I felt attacked. But its a totally valid question, one that I can only answer by saying #1I'm screwed up and #2 M has showed very little interest in me and I am confident the moment he does I will run for the hills. (See how I don't say if he does? I just know it.)
A, K and I decorated our apartment for Christmas tonight. The lights are particularly beautiful but if I'm being honest they are not what made my night. T called me from bootcamp!! Hearing the smile in his voice made me happier then I can say, and most of all, hearing that he is still my T. I haven't stopped smiling. I am so proud of him and miss him so much more than I thought I would. I was doing well, not missing him everyday unless something especially made my think of him, but hearing his voice has sent me reeling. My chest kind of hurts-(why do I miss someone who I cannot lay claim to so much?)-and even though he is there, going through whatever hell he is, he was concerned for me because I mentioned my crisis. Only T! In reality, I believe he could help me through this better then almost anyone. I need him to come home (she said selfishly)
M texted asking me to call him while I was putting up lights. A drama. Why can he never call when there is NO drama? Never a "hey how are ya?" "What's up with your life?" "Wanna catch a movie?" "Dinner at 7?" "You know how you are helplessly in love with me? Turns out I feel the same way!" but nope. Just complaining. He did salvage the convo inquiring about my holiday, giving us a chance to chat about his and about my lights (which he referred to as a "christmas light festival"). The sad thing is I go back and forth between knowing he has some sort of interest in me and believing he has zero interest. Its pathetic. But I'll tell you why (and you can't complain that I talk about M too much like A does because we've only just met): in that one conversation he confirmed his interest by #1 wanting to speak with me #2 continuing to speak after his frustration was noted #3 telling me all about his holiday and asking all about my lights. However, he also dashed said hopes by: #1 he probably only called because its my job (literally) to listen to shit like that #2 he's not a complete fool when it comes to manners and knew if was only appropriate to make light conversation and #3 when I told him how much I wanted to go to P H with him he changed the subject. I made it so easy, just said I'd meet him when he finished PT. And then A texts him. Convenient timing or forced change of topic? I know, I dwell. Get used to this topic, it fills much of my conscious (and recently unconscious) time. Especially as I have no come to terms with the fact that I do (dare I write it?) actually (can I?) kind of (don't back out now!) like the kid. Every time I talk to him 1-on-1 I like him more. Not in a group though. But when its just us, he's kinda awesome. In an incredibly-annoying-cuz-I-can't-figure-out-your-deal-sort-of-way.
Today is A's birthday so I'll be up in T minus 6 hours to get breakfast at our favorite place and give her her gifts. I think I'm more excited then she is.
Question of the night: how can I feel so much about so many people
I spent the weekend in my family's home. I haven't spent uninterrupted (as in more then a few hours) there since the summer, and before then I lived in an adjacent apartment so I haven't truly stayed with them in quite some time. I felt strange, out of place. I didn't know you couldn't put red cups in the bottom of the dishwasher because they melt. I was surprised at the new faucet my dad installed in the tub. I was slightly horrified at the condition (which I used to have not qualms with) and noticed that it seems my parents have aged exponentially in the recent months. Money problems will do that to you, they say. However, as someone who works without ceasing, it is hard for me to understand if money is their trouble why they aren't taking steps to alleviate it by engaging in activities that produce revenue. Am I too harsh? On the positive side, I have not been as relaxed as I was this weekend in perhaps months. I didn't check email, I sleep in, I didn't text, it was heaven. A and C were particularly sweet and I already miss seeing them. I guess we need breaks to gain a better perspective.
G texted me last night to inform me that he is no longer in his relationship and that if I pulled away from him (as we both know I now will) he will kill me. The sad thing is I already feel it. I think of seeing him and I'm like eh, better not. Is this a result of The Happening? And if it is, do I have any power over stopping it? He questioned why I would pull from him if I haven't from M (as M is single). I felt attacked. But its a totally valid question, one that I can only answer by saying #1I'm screwed up and #2 M has showed very little interest in me and I am confident the moment he does I will run for the hills. (See how I don't say if he does? I just know it.)
A, K and I decorated our apartment for Christmas tonight. The lights are particularly beautiful but if I'm being honest they are not what made my night. T called me from bootcamp!! Hearing the smile in his voice made me happier then I can say, and most of all, hearing that he is still my T. I haven't stopped smiling. I am so proud of him and miss him so much more than I thought I would. I was doing well, not missing him everyday unless something especially made my think of him, but hearing his voice has sent me reeling. My chest kind of hurts-(why do I miss someone who I cannot lay claim to so much?)-and even though he is there, going through whatever hell he is, he was concerned for me because I mentioned my crisis. Only T! In reality, I believe he could help me through this better then almost anyone. I need him to come home (she said selfishly)
M texted asking me to call him while I was putting up lights. A drama. Why can he never call when there is NO drama? Never a "hey how are ya?" "What's up with your life?" "Wanna catch a movie?" "Dinner at 7?" "You know how you are helplessly in love with me? Turns out I feel the same way!" but nope. Just complaining. He did salvage the convo inquiring about my holiday, giving us a chance to chat about his and about my lights (which he referred to as a "christmas light festival"). The sad thing is I go back and forth between knowing he has some sort of interest in me and believing he has zero interest. Its pathetic. But I'll tell you why (and you can't complain that I talk about M too much like A does because we've only just met): in that one conversation he confirmed his interest by #1 wanting to speak with me #2 continuing to speak after his frustration was noted #3 telling me all about his holiday and asking all about my lights. However, he also dashed said hopes by: #1 he probably only called because its my job (literally) to listen to shit like that #2 he's not a complete fool when it comes to manners and knew if was only appropriate to make light conversation and #3 when I told him how much I wanted to go to P H with him he changed the subject. I made it so easy, just said I'd meet him when he finished PT. And then A texts him. Convenient timing or forced change of topic? I know, I dwell. Get used to this topic, it fills much of my conscious (and recently unconscious) time. Especially as I have no come to terms with the fact that I do (dare I write it?) actually (can I?) kind of (don't back out now!) like the kid. Every time I talk to him 1-on-1 I like him more. Not in a group though. But when its just us, he's kinda awesome. In an incredibly-annoying-cuz-I-can't-figure-out-your-deal-sort-of-way.
Today is A's birthday so I'll be up in T minus 6 hours to get breakfast at our favorite place and give her her gifts. I think I'm more excited then she is.
Question of the night: how can I feel so much about so many people
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Once upon a time
So here we go. An online journal to figure out the confused, spiraling, floating, flying wonderful disaster that has begun to describe my life. Will anyone read this? Probably not. And that's fine by me-I think I just need a place to put my thoughts where I can see them.
Sturm und Drang : a german phrase referring to the turbulent adolescence. I'm not sure if what I am feeling is due to adolescence, I'm 20 years old. However, my entire life I have been a step behind my peers emotionally. I was the last to discover the hair straightener, the independent feeling when you incur your parent's disapproval, the satisfaction of chasing an interest, and the wonderful feeling when someone wants and you just say no.
My only hope is that I am able to truly lay it all out. Leave no details behind and write what I truly see and feel. And to the future me who I have no doubt will read this: hold your judgement. In this moment, in this mind, which you probably consider immature, these struggles are the greatest I have faced. Even the insignificant boy confusion (which I pray to God has been resolved for good) is a source of pain and excitement that I can't control. So laugh at yourself. Remember how real these now insignificant issues were. And see how far you've come.
Sturm und Drang : a german phrase referring to the turbulent adolescence. I'm not sure if what I am feeling is due to adolescence, I'm 20 years old. However, my entire life I have been a step behind my peers emotionally. I was the last to discover the hair straightener, the independent feeling when you incur your parent's disapproval, the satisfaction of chasing an interest, and the wonderful feeling when someone wants and you just say no.
My only hope is that I am able to truly lay it all out. Leave no details behind and write what I truly see and feel. And to the future me who I have no doubt will read this: hold your judgement. In this moment, in this mind, which you probably consider immature, these struggles are the greatest I have faced. Even the insignificant boy confusion (which I pray to God has been resolved for good) is a source of pain and excitement that I can't control. So laugh at yourself. Remember how real these now insignificant issues were. And see how far you've come.
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