Its the last day of Thanksgiving weekend. Though I am usually with the crowd shouting of all I'm thankful for and encouraging others to do the same, this year I felt less optimistic. Some see the holiday as an excuse to get with family, but why do you need an excuse to get with family? If we really wanted to spend time together don't you think we would? I'm not saying I don't love my family-believe me I do, but why is it so hard for us to stop what we're doing, our incredibly demanding lives, to spend time together? And if you need an excuse to do something, is it really something you want to do in the first place? It was "nice" to spend time with Aunt K, Uncle J, W and of course, Grandma, but why does it feel like a chore? I am so thankful for everyone of value in my life, for everyone who makes me want to be a better person. I'm thankful for my job(s), for my friends, for my home, for school, for the capacity to love. (did I go too far there?)
I spent the weekend in my family's home. I haven't spent uninterrupted (as in more then a few hours) there since the summer, and before then I lived in an adjacent apartment so I haven't truly stayed with them in quite some time. I felt strange, out of place. I didn't know you couldn't put red cups in the bottom of the dishwasher because they melt. I was surprised at the new faucet my dad installed in the tub. I was slightly horrified at the condition (which I used to have not qualms with) and noticed that it seems my parents have aged exponentially in the recent months. Money problems will do that to you, they say. However, as someone who works without ceasing, it is hard for me to understand if money is their trouble why they aren't taking steps to alleviate it by engaging in activities that produce revenue. Am I too harsh? On the positive side, I have not been as relaxed as I was this weekend in perhaps months. I didn't check email, I sleep in, I didn't text, it was heaven. A and C were particularly sweet and I already miss seeing them. I guess we need breaks to gain a better perspective.
G texted me last night to inform me that he is no longer in his relationship and that if I pulled away from him (as we both know I now will) he will kill me. The sad thing is I already feel it. I think of seeing him and I'm like eh, better not. Is this a result of The Happening? And if it is, do I have any power over stopping it? He questioned why I would pull from him if I haven't from M (as M is single). I felt attacked. But its a totally valid question, one that I can only answer by saying #1I'm screwed up and #2 M has showed very little interest in me and I am confident the moment he does I will run for the hills. (See how I don't say if he does? I just know it.)
A, K and I decorated our apartment for Christmas tonight. The lights are particularly beautiful but if I'm being honest they are not what made my night. T called me from bootcamp!! Hearing the smile in his voice made me happier then I can say, and most of all, hearing that he is still my T. I haven't stopped smiling. I am so proud of him and miss him so much more than I thought I would. I was doing well, not missing him everyday unless something especially made my think of him, but hearing his voice has sent me reeling. My chest kind of hurts-(why do I miss someone who I cannot lay claim to so much?)-and even though he is there, going through whatever hell he is, he was concerned for me because I mentioned my crisis. Only T! In reality, I believe he could help me through this better then almost anyone. I need him to come home (she said selfishly)
M texted asking me to call him while I was putting up lights. A drama. Why can he never call when there is NO drama? Never a "hey how are ya?" "What's up with your life?" "Wanna catch a movie?" "Dinner at 7?" "You know how you are helplessly in love with me? Turns out I feel the same way!" but nope. Just complaining. He did salvage the convo inquiring about my holiday, giving us a chance to chat about his and about my lights (which he referred to as a "christmas light festival"). The sad thing is I go back and forth between knowing he has some sort of interest in me and believing he has zero interest. Its pathetic. But I'll tell you why (and you can't complain that I talk about M too much like A does because we've only just met): in that one conversation he confirmed his interest by #1 wanting to speak with me #2 continuing to speak after his frustration was noted #3 telling me all about his holiday and asking all about my lights. However, he also dashed said hopes by: #1 he probably only called because its my job (literally) to listen to shit like that #2 he's not a complete fool when it comes to manners and knew if was only appropriate to make light conversation and #3 when I told him how much I wanted to go to P H with him he changed the subject. I made it so easy, just said I'd meet him when he finished PT. And then A texts him. Convenient timing or forced change of topic? I know, I dwell. Get used to this topic, it fills much of my conscious (and recently unconscious) time. Especially as I have no come to terms with the fact that I do (dare I write it?) actually (can I?) kind of (don't back out now!) like the kid. Every time I talk to him 1-on-1 I like him more. Not in a group though. But when its just us, he's kinda awesome. In an incredibly-annoying-cuz-I-can't-figure-out-your-deal-sort-of-way.
Today is A's birthday so I'll be up in T minus 6 hours to get breakfast at our favorite place and give her her gifts. I think I'm more excited then she is.
Question of the night: how can I feel so much about so many people
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