At The Picnic Table

Last night M asked if I had a moment to chat when we were both at The House.  I was surprised he requested my time, my opinion, but of course thrilled at the prospect of some oneonone time.  I am almost upset because this one conversation made me feel for him 10x more (which at this time is NOT the goal.  I'm trying to wean myself off him. apparently unsuccessfully.)  When we're alone he becomes someone I respect more than perhaps anyone else in my life.  That's not true.  More than any of my peers.  More than any man of my generation.  He's sweet.  Honest.  Humble. Thoughtful.  I don't know what else I could want.  And that's the problem.

UNO: He is incredibly passionate about The House. I knew he was but had never heard him talk about it like that.  It was kinda inspiring,(#tryingnottosoundlameandmakingitworsebyu singahashtag).


DOS: I confronted him about the comments he's been making since his promotion that sound so not like him.  He was very concerned, listened to the issues, and, of course, asked for specific examples.  I tried to express some and he step by step analyzed the situation and explained his mistakes or my misconception.  He seemed hurt that I may think badly of him, but it was good for us, I think, to talk about it.


TRES: THE GF WORD WAS SAID.  I was expressing how I thought he was a totally different person when we were alone as opposed to in a crowd.  He said it was true, he's really good one-on-one but in a group he's kind of an asshole (his words not mine).  Then he said something weird.  He said that's probably why he can't get a girlfriend. WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS. to which I replied, that I didn't think he had a problem with that and he just crytpically said, "we'll see".  I assume he was referring to Ma, the girl he likes that C told me about.  Who I'm very strangely not jealous of.  (Shouldn't I be?) But the reason why this part of the conversation was important, and the reason why I included it here is HE HAS NO IDEA. HE LITERALLY DOES NOT KNOW HOW I FEEL. AT ALL. I FEEL SO INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS AND HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW.  right? 


QUATRO: He asked who I wanted for SuperLeaderMan.  And I wanted to say, "well my opinion may be biased by my incredibly enormous/super obvious crush on you." And I kinda wish I had, I feel like it was a missed opportunity.  But I honestly do want him for it.  I think he will offer change to The House and I think he is more dedicated.  I asked why he wanted to know and he said it was because he respected my opinion, a lot.  And I felt all tingly.  I'm such a middle schooler.


So that was our convo at the picnic table.  Back to square one. HOW CAN HE NOT KNOW AND HOW DO I LET HIM KNOW?


On an entirely different note, JC texted me last night that M will be my field trainer from now on.  Funny how that happened right after the committee meeting.  I'm actually really hurt, I thought we were okay.  I should have expected this from him.